Hurt me to love me

Serge feels his phone vibrate, ”Dad” flashed on his screen.

Serge: Hallo….

Marshall: Hi Uncle Serge.

(Marshall was on the other side of the line, his mum had dropped him off at his grandpa for the holidays. She needed a breather)

Serge: Hi Marshall, what are you doing with grandpa’s phone?

Marshall: Charging it…..

Serge: Does he know you are using it?

Marshall: Am not sure if he knows, at least not yet…..

Serge: Mmmmhhh

Marshall: Anyway, he’s changed. Am not sure what it is but something is definitely wrong with him.

Serge: Who?

Marshall: Grandpa. He’s been telling me to do my homework, go to bed at nine, even watching telly has been an issue.

(Serge sips coffee, his coffee)

Marshall: Am supposed to be on holiday. I can’t hang out with the other kids and I have to come home to this….

Serge: Did your mum talk to grandpa when she dropped you off?

Marshall: How did you know that?

Serge: Figured after that Science paper you scored an A in, she was going to pull something like that……

Marshal: But an A should get me a few get out of jail cards, not throw me in jail cards………..

How did she know you did it for me?

Serge: Because you handed in the paper that I wrote instead of copying it, I told you to copy it and throw in some bad spellings here and there…….

Marshall: I should have listened to you. I’ve been banned from talking to you leave alone setting foot in your house….

(both laughing)

Serge: Don’t worry about it, I’ll talk to her. Better yet, am swinging by around Christmas. Grandpa is sacrificing a goat to honor Santa……

Marshall: Anyway, mum and grandpa talked but I thought it’s just the normal things that people talk about. I didn’t know she was snitching.

Serge: Grandpa is cool. It’s just that he has to do a little acting for grandma. Just give it a couple of days and you’ll be watching ”topcat” with him.

Marshall: You sure?

Serge: Positive.

Marshall: I honestly don’t get women. I think they just love making our life miserable.

Serge: I know. That’s how they protect us from ourselves, we are a hazard, a danger unto ours and to others.

Marshall: True that……

Serge: Your mum wants the best for you…..

Marshall: You’re going to talk to her right?

Serge: Already did. She’s a little pissed at me but she’s cool.

Marshall: Thanks. Gotta go, I gotta go drink my milk.

Serge: Get yourself healthy.

Marshall: Bye.

Marshall hangs up.

Of Santa and young love

Serge: Hey Marshall, you look kinda down today.

Marshall: It’s nothing like that Uncle Serge, I have too many emotions rolling at the same time.

Serge: Leaning on the good and smily or bad and grumpy?

Marshall: Confusing…….
Me and Lynn been talking about Santa and all now that Christmas is coming.

Serge: Santa, who is Santa?

Marshall: Yeah, some white dude with a red fluffy suit and hat…..rolls with something that looks like a chariot pulled by some animals. He comes on T.V a lot especially around Christmas.

Serge: That guy, he’s real?

Marshall: Am doubtful but Lynn swears her imaginary friend has seen Santa……….
Things I do for love

(Marshall shakes his head)

Marshall: Sometimes I wonder why Santa never shows up at my place, eight Christmas Eves’ and not even once.

Serge: You do believe in Santa Claus?

Marshall: Naaaahh, but I like Lynn, and if I told her Santa isn’t real I would crash her heart. You should have seen her last year, she didn’t do nothing wrong, not one wrong thing that year and the guy didn’t show up.

Serge: I thought you guys started to date a couple months ago.

Marshall: Yeah, but there is this thing we’ve being doing, she calls it bonding but I know she is just digging for information.

Serge: She tells you stuff, you tell her stuff, blah blah blah, blah blah blah…………. (rotating his right hand for effect)

Marshall: Yeah, something like that. I know women talk because my mum….(shaking his head)……… Jesus, that woman can talk but Lynn is on stereo……. DAMN!!

Serge: So, what do you tell her?

Marshall: I do the listening mostly, but every once in a while, I throw in a quick spin just before she kills it. The way you told me.

Serge: Always works, you threw in any today.

Marshall: Yeah, I think it’s my best yet. She was going on about how she’s been good, all the good things she had done……..blah blah blah……then she’s started struggling, she was thinking a bit harder, I assumed she’s almost cleared with the good acts list……

Serge: Right…..

Marshall: So I threw in a spinner, ”maybe it’s your mum, maybe your mum snitches to Santa when you do something bad”

Serge: That was a good spinner…..

(both smiling)

Marshall: Yeah, she started with the smaller things, the glass breaking, the not doing your homework on Saturday night, although she’ll do it on Sunday………..like it makes a difference as long as it’s done by Monday.

Serge: Do you ever do your homework.

Marshall: eeehh, every once in a while………….
Anyway, she’s the good kind of girl you know, she doesn’t do nothing wrong. But she talks a lot…….

Serge: You are in good company nephew.

Marshall: You think?

Serge: Am pretty sure.

Marshall: Do I tell her the truth about Santa?

Serge: That’s what’s been bugging you?

Marshall: More or less…….

Serge: Don’t tell her anything. Let her find out by herself, and when it comes crashing down on her, give her your shoulder to lean on.

Marshall: Why didn’t I think of that…..DAMN……. You’re the MAN Uncle Serge!!

(hi five)

Serge: Don’t eat no peanuts on your way out.

Marshall: I know, no peanuts until am 13……

The date went perfect…….

Marshall walks slower as he watches Lynn’s hair get blown back softly by the noon breeze. She was beautiful, she smiled beautiful, he loved.

She turns and sees him smiling, she smiles and Marshalls nerve breaks, all the lessons from Uncle Serge fly out the window when she smiles. He stuttered….

Lynn: Hi Marshall

Marshall stretches his hand to give the waterlillies to her….

Marshall: For you

Lynn: They are beautiful, how did you know I like water lilies??

Marshall: You told me the other day in class

Lynn: My mum has the most beautiful water garden with these beautiful tropical lillies and some………..[she went and on about flowers, how to raise one and so forth]………..

Marshall: That’s so cool

Lynn: blah blah blah [long story of how they are groomed, mixed, more flowers and more flowers]

At this particular point, Marshall was bored to death, we had talked about this a couple of hours earlier. At some point in a date, it will be very difficult to contribute especially because this is a topic most men have no clue. In Marshalls’ case it was water lillies. He nodded faithful to every new fact about this amazing flower, great lesson if he was listening.

Lynn: Do you remember where that place was?

Marshall: aaaahhh??

Lynn : You weren’t listening were you? You want to tell me I’ve being talking to myself all this time? My dad was right, all men are the same, they don’t listen…….. [blah blah blah]…….

Marshall: It’s the smile

Lynn: What?

Marshall: Your smile hypnotizes my whole, I can’t do a thing. I can’t see, hear or feel anything when you smile…..

Lynn: *blushing* thanks Marshall, you are the best boyfriend ever.

PS: This is the story according to Marshall.

Sit pretty and nod

Marshall: Uncle Serge

Serge: What can I do you for?

Marshall: What do people do on dates?

Serge: Why do you ask? you taking Lynn out?

Marshall: Something along those lines.

Serge: You hit second base yet?

Marshall: I think, we’ve been holding hands a lot lately…………..

How do you hold hands for that long without feeling like a woman?

Serge: The sacrifices we make to please our women are sometimes extremely enormous. When you want to please her, you do the exact opposite of what you do when you are hanging out with the boys. Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other, which means you should get to know her too during these dates. 

Marshall: Lynn says “Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough”, I honestly don’t grasp that statement.

Serge: It means, when you take her out on a date, you buy some nice things for her, and then sit back and listen to her. At the end of the date, you might even get to kiss her, have you kissed her yet?

Marshall: You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding

Serge: Who told you that?

Marshall: Mum

Serge: I keep telling you to stop going to your mum for advice on women. She will make sure you are single for the rest of your life.

Marshall: Why would she do that?

Serge: She is the first woman in your life, and you are the favorite man in her life. She will want to keep it that way.

Marshall: I really need to grow up and learn these things………..

Anyway, this date with Lynn, what do I do?

Serge: You dress up real nice, buy some flowers and sit pretty. Everything will work out just fine if you sit back and act like you love her stories, no matter how boring they are.

Marshall: Sit pretty and nod.

Serge: Exactly.

Ponies, flowers and chocolate

(Marshall enters room smiling)

Marshall: Hey Uncle Serge

Serge: Uncle Serge is a lil tired. Long day at work today……
Why are you all smiley today?

Marshall: Nothing…

Serge: You know Uncle Serge sees right through you

Marshall: How do you do that?

Serge: When you get to my age, you’ll have learnt a couple of tricks, one being seing through your 8 year old nephew

Marshall: Lynn sat next to me in class today…..
The teacher made us sit together….

Serge: Your day must have been awesome

Marshall: Mostly, but I don’t really get her

Serge: What exactly don’t you get about her?

Marshall: She’s cute and all, but she only wants to talk about ponies and flowers…..

Serge: Then you talk about ponies and flowers

Marshall: What do I know about ponies and flowers:……….
You know about ponies and flowers right?

Serge: This is going to be difficult

Marshall: Why?

Serge: Because Uncle Serge knows nothing about ponies and flowers. He however knows a little trick that you can use, it’s called nodding your head and acting like he knows……

Marshall: You totally lost me there

Serge: Where do we start?…….
Tell me what she told you

Marshall: Something about how her dad bought her a pony:…..
She calls her Clare:…..

Serge: And?

Marshall: Something about flowers…….
I think she said something about water lilies

Serge: You didn’t hear much, now did you?

Marshall: Not really, and now she’s mad because apparently, ”I don’t listen to her”

Serge: You are in some deep trouble kid

Marshall: I know:……
Now, how do I wiggle out of this?

Serge: She already has a pony…..

(both laughing)

Serge: You’ll never go wrong with flowers and chocolate, she said something about water lilies right?

Marshall: Yeah, and I think she likes fudge too….

Serge: Now you are learning.

Marshall: What do I tell her when I see her?

Serge: Men don’t say much about what they feel, they show it. You treat her well and speak only when spoken to.

Marshall: Why?

Serge: Whenever we talk to women, we condemn ourselves with our own words and women will use it against us all the time. You buy her the flowers, chocolate and promise to listen to her.

Marshall: Talk less, listen more and buy chocolate and flowers…..

Serge: And that’s the lesson of the day

Boys will always be boys

Uncle Serge: I heard you were in a fight at school today?

Marshall: Mum snitched again? Can’t believe she has told everyone..

Serge: Well, am not everyone,, I get to know things. What was the fight about?

Marshall: It was Johnie..

Serge: Fatty Johnie kick your ass again.

Marshall: I won

Serge: So what he do?

Marshall: He’s been talking to Lynn a lot and Paul told me he saw them holding hands at school………..
Plus they went to church together on Sunday…

Serge: He took your girl so you kicked his ass.

Marshall: Something like that……….and the fact that Paul told me he saw Lynn looking at her shoes when she talk to him.

Serge: You think she likes his jokes better?

Marshall: Yeah

Serge: Boys will always be boys.

Best lousy boyfriend

Marshall: am really confused about something uncle serge.

Serge:what is it kiddo?

Marshall: yesterday, Lynn told me am the best boyfriend, today she called me a lousy bastard.

Serge: so?

Marshall: am I the best boyfriend ever, or am I a lousy bastard?

Serge: you’ll never know kiddo, even I don’t know what I am to date. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.

Marshall: but you can’t be both.

Serge: i know, but women will never tell you which one you are, so we give up figuring out ourselves when we hit 17, you still have 9 years to try and figure it out.

Marshall: do you think I will?

Serge: knock yourself out kiddo

She’s a good girl

Marshall: Uncle serge

Serge: yeah

Marshall: have you ever fallen in love?

Serge: why do you ask?

Marshall: i think am in love.

Serge: that’s bad

Marshall:why?

Serge:okay, is it a good or a bad girl?

Marshall: how do you know if she is a bad or a good girl?

Serge: that depends on what you’d like to do with her.

Marshall: i want to hold hands and tell everyone she’s my girlfriend.

Serge: that’s really bad.

Marshall:why?

Serge: because she’s a good girl, and good girls are bad news.

Marshall: my mum says i should stay away from bad girls.

Serge: she’s a woman what does she know, believe me when i tell you to stay away from good girls.

Marshall: my mum tells me, ”stay away from bad girls”, you tell me ”stay away from good girls” but you don’t tell me why.

Serge: believe me, when you grow older you will understand.

She dances pretty…

Marshall: Lynn showed me her panties today.

Serge: really?

Marshall: they were red with white spots.

Serge: that’s a big step.

Marshall: what should I do?

Serge: have you told her the three words?

Marshall: ”wanna play doctor?”

Serge: yeah

Marshall: i think i may have told her a couple of times.

Serge: this is bad.

Marshall: do you think we’re moving too fast?

Serge: a little.

Marshall: she dances pretty you know….

Serge: they all do Marshall, they all do

Heaven is surely beautiful

Marshall: Do you think God can see us at night?

Serge: Yeah, why not?

Marshall: Then why does he need to turn on the lights?

Serge: Maybe he needs a little light too sometimes………Or maybe they are for us.

Marshall: There is that too.

Serge: Or maybe he just like the lighting.

Marshall: Yeah, the sky looks nice…….

Do you think heaven is up there?

Serge: Probably.

Marshall: I’d like to go there.

Serge: Me too. They say there is milk and honey.

Marshall: I don’t like honey much. Do you think they have chocolate.

Serge: I should think so.

Marshall: It sure would be nice to go there.

Serge: Yeah